In a funk.

I've been in a funk. Part of it is obvious. Dad's passing was tough. It always is. I haven't been sleeping.  January is always like this. There have also been problems at home. My 14 year old is.........well, she's a 14 year old girl. She will be 15 in three months. That probably says enough. There have been other problems too though. My husband is suddenly paranoid and insecure. He says I should be flattered. I'm just pissed. Mostly because he acts like I did something wrong, and I didn't. I guess I shouldn't say suddenly. It's happened before. Any time I am friendly to a guy who is single, this happens. This time it is worse because there are a few single guys who I have become friends with. He is apparently threatened by all of them. One in particular, but all of them.

School is back underway again (both face-to-face and online classes). The pressure is mounting. I'm taking a pretty full load this semester. 6 classes. 18 hours. Three are face-to-face. The other three are online. Two of those aren't bad. The third is KILLING me.

I think part of it is tax season too. We filed our taxes tonight. The amount we made this past year is so ridiculously small. Looking at it, I have no idea how we have survived this past year. Having us both in school at the same time for two years and neither of us working a full-time job (or even a real part-time job) has been so difficult. I am so glad that I graduate in May and I will finally be headed back to work. Now I just hope I can find a decent job to get me through the next three years or so while I finish my next degree.

I think I am mostly just feeling lost. I know that there has to be more to life than this. I have been in school full-time for the past three years. (I changed my major after my first year, so essentially had to start all over again.) I have been busting my butt and I am exhausted. My life for the past three years exists in three 2-inch three ring binders. One for each year. I haven't done anything but school. I am exhausted. I am so ready, beyond ready really, to have some extra cash. To be able to go to the movie or out to dinner without planning it for 4-6 months in advance. I'm also worried. For the past three years, we have had the excuse of no money. For the three years before that we were on opposite schedules at work and didn't have time. Soon we will both have really good daytime jobs. If we have money and time, and my husband still won't do things with me, it just means he doesn't care enough to do the things that are important to me.

It scares me because I am not okay with that. I don't need him with me all of the time, but I do want someone to take me out and make me feel special once in a while. I want someone to run away with me for a spur of the moment weekend in St. Louis or Chicago or Denver. Conversations we have had have led me to believe he isn't willing to do any of this. I think we are getting very close to a point where we are both going to have to face a not-so-pleasant reality, and I am not sure either of us is truly ready for reality.

So, yes, all of this is weighing on me. Yes, it has me in a funk. I hope I can pull myself out of it soon, because I am sick of feeling this way.