Thinking ahead

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future lately. I am not in the holiday spirit at all, and I am kind of wishing I could just hit the fast forward button and get through this already. I'm sure part of this is because we have a 'new' baby in the family. He was born just after the first of the year, so this will be his first Christmas, and everyone will be making a big deal about that. With my history of loss, it just makes it hard to celebrate the first anything with new babies.

Part of it is also because I have been feeling very unsure about what my future holds. For the first time in a very long time, that is kind of up in the air. I had a plan. A plan that I thought was written in stone. Now, I am not sure if that plan is even the plan anymore. To be honest, I am not even sure there is a plan.

Things have been not so great on the home front, and my being sick for what seems like an eternity has not helped with that. I still don't feel back to 100% yet, and honestly I am still struggling with my depression. I'm not sure that my husband understands any of it, and we just fight anytime I try to explain, so I have turned back to just not saying anything at all. I'm not sure how long a marriage can survive like this though.

One thing I have been focusing a lot about is what I want to change in the immediate future. I've been thinking a lot about my goals for the next year. I've already started my list, (which usually doesn't even get made until after Christmas) and I have decided to get a head start on them. Some I will start earlier than others.

1. Exercise more, eat less and get healthy!
            One of the only things they found when they did the ultrasound on my gall bladder, liver, kidneys, lungs, etc. was that I have a fatty liver. Of course the only way to correct that is to lose weight. I have been living in a land of denial for a long time. I have known for years that I was overweight, but I have let it get completely away from me. I told myself it didn't have any effect on my health, but clearly it does. I need to lose between 80 and 100 pounds. Monday I am going to start P90X. I bought the system a year ago, and for some reason, I never started it. I'm not waiting until the first of the year now though. I'll start it the day after tomorrow.

2. Clean out and become a minimalist.
            I think a large amount of my stress and depression comes from all of the clutter! There is so much CRAP crammed into this house. It's everywhere. We have clothes that we have never worn, movies that we have never watched, games we have never played. Seriously, so of this stuff still has price tags on it or is still wrapped in plastic. Why, if I am so stressed out about money, are we buying unnecessary stuff? It's all about eliminating anything I don't need or use, and hopefully eliminating stress in the process. It's about focusing on what is really important in my life. I'm starting with completely de-cluttering my bedroom now. When the semester ends, I will go through EVERYONE's wardrobes and make some major cuts I'll donate the items that still have life in them, and discard anything that is ruined. After that, I de-clutter, one room at a time.

3. Write daily.
           I am starting a 365 blog. This one will be all about quotes and why I choose the ones I do. In addition to that, I will be posting in this blog more often as well. I also want to write a book, or more likely a collection of short stories. I have tried to write a book repeatedly, and I usually get off to a good start, but then writer's block sets in. I am going to work on turning all these little starts of books into short stories. Hopefully by this time next year I will be submitting some of my writing to a publisher. I've already started by trying to write here at least once a week. Once my semester ends, I will increase that to three times a week. The 365 blog won't start until January 1st, and working on the short stories will start as soon as the semester is over.

4. Drink plenty of water.
           This is just part of the healthier me. I live life partially dehydrated all of the time. If I am going to be working out and eating right, I need to start giving myself plenty of fluids too. This is another one that I am starting immediately. I'm drinking a big glass of water as I type this actually!

5. Finish remodeling upstairs.
           This has been a work in progress for far too long. It is time to complete some projects. I'd like to say the whole house, but that is unlikely. In the spring I am going to purchase the supplies needed to drywall upstairs at the very least. The bathroom floor will have to be done as well. I'm really starting to worry that I am going to end up on the ground during a shower. The roof isn't far behind either, so I am guessing that the major remodeling of the bathroom, and gutting the downstairs will have to wait a year or two. At the very minimum though, I want the kids bedrooms, and the guestroom for Christina completed as soon as possible. I can't even really get started on this until February when we get our financial aid checks though.


So, there you have it. My goals for the next year and beyond really. Most of these things aren't goals that have a finish line. They are lifestyle changes, and things that I will have to work at for the rest of my life. I can't wait to get started.

Day 22

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 22

We have so much to be thankful for in our lives. Today is the day that we are supposed to pause and remember all those things. While I do think this is a fabulous tradition, I think we need to remember to be thankful for those things every day, and not just on Thanksgiving.

As I sat with my husband's family at his Grandmother's house, I wondered why the whole family does not get together more often. I know that often times distance is a real issue. In this case though, with the exception of one of his aunts and her son, the entire family lives within 30 minutes of each other. We all go to the same church even, but do you think anyone bothers to get together on Sunday for dinner? Why?

Anyway, with that off my chest:
Day 22
Today I am thankful for extended family, the ones by birth: McIe, Lake and Cowger; the ones by marriage: Hullinger and McAtee; the ones that still claim me after the divorce: Sapp and Shartz, and the ones that have never legally been family, but have still become family over the years, regardless of what anyone else thinks!

I have been blessed with a very large family, and with so many friends who have become family over the years. I am especially thankful for my brothers Brandon and Rob. I don't share a drop of blood with them, but I know if I needed anything at all, they would be there with a moments notice!

Days 15 - 21

School has been crazy hectic recently, and likely will continue to be as the semester winds down. Hopefully I can get into a better routine, and start posting here more frequently. 

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Days 15 - 21

Day 15

Today I am thankful for Pinterest. I love finding new recipes on Pinterest. My family has been eating some AMAZING meals (and one or two not so great ones) this past month and a half, mostly thanks to Pinterest.

In addition to the fabulous meals, I have also found tons of time-saving tips, some helpful ideas for remodeling that we have already put into practice, craft ideas that I just need some spare time to actually try. I have found curriculum ideas for the kids, and a lot of projects and experiments to do with them as well. I've also found lots of advice on how to become a minimalist (which is one of my resolutions for the next year) and how to become much more self sufficient (another one of my resolutions for the next year). Pinterest, while I resisted at first, really is an amazing site, and I am so glad that I joined.

Day 16

Today I am thankful for my house. It's old, it needs a ton of work, and we get a ton of bats every spring, but it's mine, and I am very thankful for it!

Just so there is no question.... bats are clearly the spawn of Satan. I despise bats. There are very few creatures that I kill immediately. Bats are one of those creatures. I don't care that they eat bugs or any of the 'great' things about them. They are disgusting, creepy, evil little winged spawn of Satan. If they come in my house, they die. lol

In all seriousness though, in a day and age when so many are having their homes foreclosed on, it is really nice to know that my home is MINE and that no one can take it away from me. Even with all it's faults, it really is a great little house. 

Day 17

Today I am thankful that I have had some great instructors since going back to school. I am so lucky that I have had the opportunity to take multiple classes with two of the best! Does this earn me any extra credit?!? 

The original post was on Facebook and I tagged two of my instructors, Sandye Kelso who is a math instructor I have now taken 4 classes with and Kristian Lehmkuhl who teaches law classes. I've taken two classes with him so far(Business Law 1 & 2), and will have my third one (Constitutional Law) next semester. They really are amazing instructors, and I am extremely thankful to have been able to learn from them. 

Kris has touched my life in more ways in the past year than any other instructor. First, he just isn't the typical college instructor. To be honest, the first day of class I actually thought he was another student when he first walked in the class. Whether it is intentional or not, because he doesn't seem to be your typical instructor, it makes him seem much more approachable than any other instructor at the school. This also makes his class much more interesting than any other class. I can honestly say that his is the only class I have taken where everyone in the class is truly engaged and paying attention to class instead of doing half-a-dozen other things while the instructor lectures. 

By the end of the first semester, his excitement for politics had ignited a flame in me. I became very involved in politics because of this class. (And I will be sending him the bill for the still un-diagnosed high-blood pressure that this election cycle caused!) By the end of the second semester, he had reignited a passion for law and encouraged me to chase my dream of being a lawyer. Now if only the economy would turn around again, I will actually pursue that dream. I have the information on the LSAT (law school admission test) and on the law program at Drake University. I just have to find a way to pay the tuition and my living expenses while I am in school.

I can also say that Kris has become not only an instructor, but also a friend during the past year. I look forward to having him as a mentor when I do begin to pursue my law degree in a few years.

Day 18
Today I am thankful for our vehicles. They aren't the newest, and they might not look the best, but they get me from A to B and they don't give me too much of a headache. The truck is completely paid for and the car will be in February!

Day 19

Today I am thankful for my furbabies! I may own a small zoo, but I love each of them! They always know when I need a cuddle, and they know how to be just silly enough to make me laugh when I am in a bad mood! :)

I know that many people think this is crazy, but my pets really are like furry little kids to me. I really can't imagine life without them.

Day 20

Today I am thankful for music. Music touches me and moves me in a way that I just can not explain. It can make a bad day just a little better, calm me down when I am too worked up, or get me pumped up when I need a little extra energy. I can't even fathom a life, or even a day, without music in it.

There isn't much more to say about this one. To me, music is about feeling. I can't explain it. I can't put it into words. You either feel it, or you don't.

Day 21 

Today I am thankful for the creative minds behind the books we read, the movies, television shows and plays that we watch and the songs that we listen to and sing.

I wish I could be one of those creative people. I would love to write a book or a collection of short stories, and actually have it published. I know just enough about writing to know that I don't know nearly enough to do that though. I have no music abilities, so that isn't going to happen, and a screenplay seems even more complex than writing a book, so I will continue to dabble during my free time for my own entertainment and leave the real work to the creative geniuses! 

Day 6 - 14

The last week and a half has been a little hectic. I'm behind. Me. Behind. Imagine that. I have been posting these on Facebook, and have the basic blog entry written in my head. It just never made it here. Anyway.... here we go.

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Days 6 - 14

DAY SIX

Today I am thankful for the right to vote in an election to choose the leaders of my country. I am also thankful that the election is almost over.

I like politics. Actually, I pretty much LOVE politics. This election cycle has me ready to rip my hair out though. Living in a swing state means 5-10 phone calls daily. Some of those are actually people that I can vent to. More often they are just robo-dialers, so I can't even yell at them. Well, I can, but it isn't as satisfying.

DAY SEVEN

Today I am thankful that my temper is much closer to under control than it has been in the past. I still have a long way to go, but it doesn't get me into nearly as much trouble as it once did. That is a very good thing. Especially today. So many people are idiots. Especially today. 

DAY EIGHT

Today I am thankful for the electronic gadgets that help make life more interesting. 

I often think we have become much too dependent on technology, but I admit, I really do love my gadgets. My DVR has to be very near the top of that list. I love that I can record up to 300 hours of television (I think) because I rarely have time to watch television during the week. Every week or two I have marathon television sessions where I catch up on a week of my soap operas or a month worth of my other shows. I love that.
I love my iPod. Music is such a pivotal thing, and I love that I can carry around hundreds of different songs on this little device that is not much bigger than a quarter!

My computer helps me keep in contact with my family that is nearly 1,000 miles away and friends who are spread out all over the world. It allows me to become friends with some people who I have never met, but who know me almost better than I know myself!

DAY NINE

Today I am thankful for small miracles. 

I was sitting at the table tonight, working on homework and I had a candle burning because I just love candles! When I finished my homework I didn't bother putting the candle out. I was only going to be in the next room, and it just smelled so good! The ceiling fan was helping to circulate the scent through the entire house, and I had the cats 'trapped' in the bedroom because I had food in the crock-pot, so they weren't going to knock it over. Safety first, of course! At some point in the evening, we heard the distinctive sound of glass popping. Turns out the candle had gotten so hot that the glass exploded. There was wax all over the place and my beautiful (and expensive) table now has a big circle burned into the top of it. It's a miracle the house didn't catch on fire!

DAY TEN

Today I am thankful for acid reflux medication and the fact that it has made me feel almost human again! 

I have been 'sick' for nearly a year now. I didn't go to the doctor (bad girl!) because the symptoms were all so random and seemingly unrelated. When I finally decided enough was enough (because I was pretty sure it was my gall bladder and that it needed to come out!) we were shocked to find out it was not my gall bladder. I never suspected acid reflux because I didn't have the type of symptoms that one would typically relate to acid reflux. It must have been though because two weeks on the medication and I feel better that I have in MONTHS!

DAY ELEVEN

Today I am thankful for rainy days! They are perfect for curling up and sleeping the day away. 

That is exactly what I did today. It was much needed. I feel like a new woman. Or at least a much more rested me! 

DAY TWELVE

Today I am thankful for the men and women of our military who put their lives on the line to keep the rest of us safe. I may not agree with every battle they fight, but I know a lot of them don't either. They don't choose where to go  and they are just doing the jobs they are paid to do. I truly appreciate everything they do for this country.

DAY THIRTEEN

Today I am thankful for future leaders who I truly believe will one day be elected. Leaders who understand the difference between defending our nation and playing the role of the world police. Leaders who understand that becoming self sufficient is much more important than bullying smaller countries to get what we want.

DAY FOURTEEN

Today I am thankful for caffeine! 

I am not supposed to drink caffeine anymore because of my severe acid reflux, and for the most part, I have been doing okay with that. The severe headaches are beginning to ease up a bit, and I don't feel like an animal caught in a trap anymore. Today just isn't going to happen without caffeine though. (I posted this on Facebook three hours into my thirteen hour school day today. I only have another hour and a half. I might actually make it through this day!)

Day 5

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 5

I am thankful that I was taught at a young age how to show sympathy toward others.
I cannot understand individuals who are always judgmental and never sympathetic in any situation. Before you judge someone, try putting yourself in their position.

You probably heard the story in the news recently about the young boy who was killed at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium. Here it is if you have not. ZOO STORY. It's a heartbreaking story and a horrible tragedy. A brief summary for those who do not know the story and do not want to click the link:  This young boy (reports argue over age 2-3) and his mother were at the zoo. She lifted him up and sat him on the top of a fence so that he could better see the animals (African painted dogs). Many suspect that she did this because of his poor eyesight. The boy leaned forward and slipped out of the mother's hands. There was a net of some sort that he bounced off of, and he landed in the dogs enclosure. The dogs pounced and mauled the boy to death. One of the dogs had to be killed during the accident. 

This story is already heartbreaking and horrific enough. The mother had to watch as her son died. I cannot even imagine. She and the boy's father were both receiving treatment due to the grief they were experiencing (similar to PTSD) according to the last update I heard.

So where does sympathy come into play here? I am completely disgusted by the lack of sympathy people are displaying toward this family. Comments on the news stories call the woman criminal, demand that she be charged with the boys death, call for her to be sterilized, spend life in prison or even be executed. People are spewing hate-filled venom at a grieving mother who will likely regret a simple decision for the rest of her life. I am sure that those images play on an endless loop in that poor woman's mind. She honestly may never recover from this. If you cannot see a reason to show her sympathy, what about the boy's father. He was not even at the zoo when the accident occurred. Now people want to take his wife away while he is grieving their child!

I will admit that when I hear stories of abuse or intentional neglect, I often rant about my anger. This woman was not intentionally being neglectful though. She took her child to the zoo for a fun day. She was trying to make it easier for him to see the animals. She made a poor judgement call. She will live with that for the rest of her life. How many of us have made poor judgement calls. I would bet that most, if not all of us have. We have just been lucky enough that we did not have something this tragic come of our poor judgement calls. 

I will admit.... I've done this exact same thing with my child in the past. At this exact same zoo actually. My child was just about the same age at the time. I certainly will never do it again though.  I can not even begin to imagine the pain this family is going through. My thoughts and my prayers go out to them during this horrifically difficult time. 

Day 4

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 4

Today I am thankful for my husband. While he drives me a bit crazy from time to time, he really is a great guy and he takes very good care of our family.

It is not always easy to love me. I know that. Depression and all. It has not been the easiest ride with me either. My husband and I met online. We did the long distance thing for a few months before we dove right in. I uprooted my children and myself, moved across the country and into a house with him. We had only spent two weeks actually 'together' at that point. The rest of our short relationship had been phone calls, emails, letters, and online chat. (Yes, looking back, I do realize that it sounds pretty crazy.) 

I had been living in Iowa for less than 6 months when my parents divorced. Two months later I experienced my first miscarriage. The combination of those two through me into a deep depression and scared the crap out of me. I ran. I got my own apartment and moved out. He couldn't afford the house on his own, so he moved in with his parents. Within a week or so I realized I messed up. He started spending weekends with me again. Within two months, he had basically moved into my apartment. Then the phone call. My Dad was dying. I packed a bag, hopped on a train and took off. No idea when I would be back, no money in savings. I just left and he had to figure out a way to keep from losing my apartment and take care of my pets while I was gone. (Yes, looking back I do realize that sounds pretty crazy too.) I was gone for almost two months. I took care of my Dad, stayed through the funeral, packed up all his stuff, and then came back during early-mid February. In May, I turned 27, had my second miscarriage and lost my job. All in less than a week. Depression. 

During the next few years (May of 2007 - today) I had eight more miscarriages, one surgery, got a new job, my daughter had a massive seizure, gave up my job because of that, bought a house, got another job, started college, quit my job, got wrapped up in a pyramid scheme that was supposed to make me rich (it didn't), started a local chapter of a non-profit organization, and started my own business.  There have been a lot of ups and downs. There have been a lot of changes. Depression. Severe depression. 

I know that it hasn't been a picnic. I will not lie and say he never complains. We fight, just like any other couple. During my worst, my hate filled rants from the bottom of the pits of depression, we have both thrown the D-word around (not depression.... divorce). We also both know that we are in this for the long haul. The fact that he puts up with me is honestly kind of amazing. When I am in these hate-filled periods, I know that I sound crazy. I just can not do anything to stop it, because knowing that I sound crazy just makes me even more angry. I do not know if I could do it. He does though. For that, I am very thankful.

Day two and Three

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day Two and Three

DAY TWO

Today I am grateful for great conversation with even better friends. 

I may not have many friends. Many of the friends I do have are ones that I have 'met' online and never had the pleasure to meet them face to face. The thing is, I know that anytime I need someone to talk to, all I have to do is reach out. I hope they all realize that the same is true for them. I may be hundreds or even thousands of miles away in many cases, but I am always available to any of my friends who need to talk. I am only a phone call or a text message away. 

DAY THREE

Today, I am grateful for the health of my children. 

My heart is breaking for some of my friends right now.The first is my friend Heather. Her daughter, Summer had heart surgery on Thursday. She was on bypass, she received 10 units of blood during the surgery, which lasted for 10 hours, and she found out that she will need another surgery in the near future. She has fluid on both of her lungs, and her left lung is partially collapsed. This girl has a very long road ahead of her. 

The second is our friend, Mike. His daughter, Bethany has just been diagnosed with stage IV glioblastoma. Brain cancer. Less than a week ago she was not feeling great. She was sleeping a lot and had a lot of headaches. She fell asleep one day and when they tried to wake her up, they could not. Bethany was rushed to the local hospital, and then sent to the nearest pediatric hospital by air ambulance. They found a mass on her brain, did surgery to remove the mass, and biopsied it. Glioblastoma. Stage IV. 

Both of these friends, their spouses, their other children and their entire families have to stand back and watch as these two young ladies (one is 12 or 13  and the other is 15 or 16) fight for their lives. Literally. It is completely heartbreaking. These parents are completely devastated right now. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that they are feeling. All I can do is hug my kids just a little tighter and be thankful that they have their health.

Please say a prayer for Heather & Joe and their daughter Summer. 

Please say a prayer for Mike & Lori and their daughter Bethany. 

Day One

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day One

Today I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to return to school. School has been one of the biggest causes of stress in my life during the past two years, and depending on what the future holds, I have at least two more years of this ahead of me. I am still grateful for it every single day. Going to school allows me the chance to make a better life for my children. It gives me a chance to give them the things that my parents couldn't give me.

Growing up, we didn't have a lot of money. When I was eleven years old, my Dad was in an accident. He was an over the road truck driver, and some idiot wasted on drugs and alcohol cut him off while he was driving. The idiot walked away without a scratch. In fact, he was so wasted that he tried to drive away from the scene.... not because he was running, but because he didn't even realize that he had been in an accident. Dad never worked another day in his life. My mom had just found out she was pregnant when my Dad had his accident. My brother was born seven months after the accident. My Dad could not physically work anymore, and he also could not take care of the baby. That meant my mom could not work either. There wasn't much money.

While I didn't have the best childhood (mostly because of the lack of money), I didn't have a terrible childhood either. It taught me to appreciate the little things that I did have. It taught me to work hard for what I wanted and to be grateful for the things I did get. I got a job through the local dance studio and was able to earn free dance lessons for me and my sister that way. I babysat and did odd jobs around the neighborhood to earn spending money, and I appreciated it more because it wasn't just handed to me. 

At the same time, because of the financial situation, there was a lot of things that I wanted to do that just wasn't possible. My freshman class took a trip to Washington D.C. I really wanted to go on that trip, but I knew that there way no way my parents could come up with the money, so I stayed behind while pretty much everyone in our class went. To this day, I have still never been to D.C. We didn't get to take family vacations either. Once in a while we would drive an hour or so to the lake where my Great-Grandma had her camper. We we spend a week there during the summer, fishing and playing card games or whatever. One year my Uncle moved to Myrtle Beach. We did get to go down that first summer and see them. We spent a few days with them and going to the beach, but as far as taking a real vacation and staying in a hotel or at a resort or something...... that never happened.

Those are the kinds of things I want to give my children! I want to be able to travel with them and take them on unforgettable vacations. I want to be able to buy them a car when they get their licenses. I want to be able to buy my daughter a fancy dress for the prom. I don't want then to feel like they can't ask for something they really want. Going to school will make it possible to eventually do those things with and for my kids. It will allow me to travel and do all the things that I have always wanted to do but have never been able to do in the past. For that reason, no matter how stressful it gets, I will always be thankful that I was able to go back to school and make a better life for my family.

A re-introduction

Where has the time gone? I started this blog nearly a year ago. I made a few posts about random crap, and then I quit posting. Life got crazy, and I just am no good at posting about rainbows and sunshine when the is the last thing I see or want to talk about. Basically, this blog isn't going to be a happy cheerful one... at least not all of the time.

My 'vision' for this blog is to use it as a type of free therapy. I am going to admit that I am depressed. I have been for a very long time. I have tried to deny it, but I can't anymore. The depression is now causing physical problems. It is actually making me physically ill. I didn't even realize that depression could do that! I mean.... I'd heard people say that it could, but honestly I thought it was weak people using depression as an excuse. (I know that isn't going to make me any friends, but I really thought that was the case.) Maybe that is why I am struggling so much now.

I tried to was in denial about the depression for a long time. I kept thinking that if I ignored the depression, it would just go away. It didn't. It just kept getting worse. First, I cried a couple times a week. Then I cried a couple of times a day. Eventually, I could barely get out of bed. I would go to class, do just enough to get by, and then come home and crawl into bed. My 3.96 GPA was significantly lower at midterm. As it turns out, just doing enough to get by isn't enough to maintain that kind of GPA. Now I am not only trying to work though this depression, but I am also playing catch-up at school.

I am going to try to get through this depression without medication. I don't even take Tylenol when I get a headache. I really don't want to fill my body full of the chemicals that make up anti-depressants. Instead, I am going to work on forcing myself to put on foot in front of the other. I am going to drag myself out of bed. I am going to put my best effort into my homework again. I am going to clean my house instead of leaving that for my husband and my children to do.  I am going to focus on the things that matter in my life. I am going to spend the next thirty days focusing on the things in my life that I am thankful for. I don't know where I'll go from there. I guess only time will tell for sure.

Thanks for listening. I already feel a bit lighter. I guess there really is something to be said for talking about your problems. Maybe this will actually work.

~Stephanie