Day 4

Thirty Days of Thanksgiving: Day 4

Today I am thankful for my husband. While he drives me a bit crazy from time to time, he really is a great guy and he takes very good care of our family.

It is not always easy to love me. I know that. Depression and all. It has not been the easiest ride with me either. My husband and I met online. We did the long distance thing for a few months before we dove right in. I uprooted my children and myself, moved across the country and into a house with him. We had only spent two weeks actually 'together' at that point. The rest of our short relationship had been phone calls, emails, letters, and online chat. (Yes, looking back, I do realize that it sounds pretty crazy.) 

I had been living in Iowa for less than 6 months when my parents divorced. Two months later I experienced my first miscarriage. The combination of those two through me into a deep depression and scared the crap out of me. I ran. I got my own apartment and moved out. He couldn't afford the house on his own, so he moved in with his parents. Within a week or so I realized I messed up. He started spending weekends with me again. Within two months, he had basically moved into my apartment. Then the phone call. My Dad was dying. I packed a bag, hopped on a train and took off. No idea when I would be back, no money in savings. I just left and he had to figure out a way to keep from losing my apartment and take care of my pets while I was gone. (Yes, looking back I do realize that sounds pretty crazy too.) I was gone for almost two months. I took care of my Dad, stayed through the funeral, packed up all his stuff, and then came back during early-mid February. In May, I turned 27, had my second miscarriage and lost my job. All in less than a week. Depression. 

During the next few years (May of 2007 - today) I had eight more miscarriages, one surgery, got a new job, my daughter had a massive seizure, gave up my job because of that, bought a house, got another job, started college, quit my job, got wrapped up in a pyramid scheme that was supposed to make me rich (it didn't), started a local chapter of a non-profit organization, and started my own business.  There have been a lot of ups and downs. There have been a lot of changes. Depression. Severe depression. 

I know that it hasn't been a picnic. I will not lie and say he never complains. We fight, just like any other couple. During my worst, my hate filled rants from the bottom of the pits of depression, we have both thrown the D-word around (not depression.... divorce). We also both know that we are in this for the long haul. The fact that he puts up with me is honestly kind of amazing. When I am in these hate-filled periods, I know that I sound crazy. I just can not do anything to stop it, because knowing that I sound crazy just makes me even more angry. I do not know if I could do it. He does though. For that, I am very thankful.