In a funk.

I've been in a funk. Part of it is obvious. Dad's passing was tough. It always is. I haven't been sleeping.  January is always like this. There have also been problems at home. My 14 year old is.........well, she's a 14 year old girl. She will be 15 in three months. That probably says enough. There have been other problems too though. My husband is suddenly paranoid and insecure. He says I should be flattered. I'm just pissed. Mostly because he acts like I did something wrong, and I didn't. I guess I shouldn't say suddenly. It's happened before. Any time I am friendly to a guy who is single, this happens. This time it is worse because there are a few single guys who I have become friends with. He is apparently threatened by all of them. One in particular, but all of them.

School is back underway again (both face-to-face and online classes). The pressure is mounting. I'm taking a pretty full load this semester. 6 classes. 18 hours. Three are face-to-face. The other three are online. Two of those aren't bad. The third is KILLING me.

I think part of it is tax season too. We filed our taxes tonight. The amount we made this past year is so ridiculously small. Looking at it, I have no idea how we have survived this past year. Having us both in school at the same time for two years and neither of us working a full-time job (or even a real part-time job) has been so difficult. I am so glad that I graduate in May and I will finally be headed back to work. Now I just hope I can find a decent job to get me through the next three years or so while I finish my next degree.

I think I am mostly just feeling lost. I know that there has to be more to life than this. I have been in school full-time for the past three years. (I changed my major after my first year, so essentially had to start all over again.) I have been busting my butt and I am exhausted. My life for the past three years exists in three 2-inch three ring binders. One for each year. I haven't done anything but school. I am exhausted. I am so ready, beyond ready really, to have some extra cash. To be able to go to the movie or out to dinner without planning it for 4-6 months in advance. I'm also worried. For the past three years, we have had the excuse of no money. For the three years before that we were on opposite schedules at work and didn't have time. Soon we will both have really good daytime jobs. If we have money and time, and my husband still won't do things with me, it just means he doesn't care enough to do the things that are important to me.

It scares me because I am not okay with that. I don't need him with me all of the time, but I do want someone to take me out and make me feel special once in a while. I want someone to run away with me for a spur of the moment weekend in St. Louis or Chicago or Denver. Conversations we have had have led me to believe he isn't willing to do any of this. I think we are getting very close to a point where we are both going to have to face a not-so-pleasant reality, and I am not sure either of us is truly ready for reality.

So, yes, all of this is weighing on me. Yes, it has me in a funk. I hope I can pull myself out of it soon, because I am sick of feeling this way.

I've been writing...

I've spent the last several days writing. I've always wanted to write, but when I start I don't get very far. I think the problem is that I have been trying to force myself to write the kind romantic chick-type books that I like to read. The simple fact is, I suck at that kind of writing. I don't have much real life experience in that department. (That sounds really weird considering I've been married twice!)

This time, I am not forcing anything. I've been writing about my Dad. I started planning to write an entry here about him on Thursday. Thursday marked six years ago that I brought Dad home from the hospital for the last time. He died at home five days later. The plan was to write something about that time. One entry for Thursday, and another on Tuesday. When I started writing, it just kept flowing. Before I knew it, I had eight pages. Tonight, I took the kids to archery practice, and while they were shooting I started writing about Dad again. This time, looking back at my childhood. In just under an hour and a half I cranked out another five pages.

My plan now is to go back and do little bits and pieces here and there. Chapters that discuss things I have learned about my Dad since he died. Chapters that discuss stories he used to tell. Chapters that reflect how others felt about Dad. I also want to include a chapter about the advice I received from the hospice nurses and others, and advice I would like to pass on to others who find themselves facing the impending death of a loved one.

 I sent the first eight pages I wrote to a friend to have him take a look and see if there was anything there. I have refused to look back at those eight pages until I hear his thoughts. I'm getting excited though. It's going to take a lot of work, and I may never find anyone who wants to publish it, but I am going to write a book about my Dad. Maybe I'll even invest my own money one day to publish it myself. I just have to make the money first.

It does feel good to be really writing again though.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

A friend of mine posted an image on Facebook. The image asked simply: "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

So what would you do?

I would do the 'typical' things that people generally mention. Skydive. Bungee jump. Climb Mt. Everest. Run a marathon. Compete in a triathlon. Sing. Learn to scuba dive. I'd move/travel. Spend a year in New York City. Another year in Southern California somewhere. I'd live in Nome or some other small Alaskan village for a year. I'd live abroad. France, Spain, Italy, Japan, Ireland, Australia, Africa, maybe somewhere in South America. I'd get my pilot's license.

Then I would do the things that are so much scarier. Walk away. Just turn around and walk away from the people that hold you back or bring you down.

Say hello. Go talk to that person who impacted your life in a big way, even if they don't realize they did. Tell him (or her) exactly what he (or she) means to you.

Why do we let fear hold us back?

Especially when it comes to something like telling someone what they mean to us? Why don't we just tell people what we think or how we feel. Why do we wait until it's too late and then beat ourselves up with regrets?

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Me? I'd really live.

Just shoot me.

School starts (for me) tomorrow and once again, I am sick. I shouldn't say again. I should say STILL. I've basically been sick for the past month. I started feeling crappy right around this time last month. We picked my sister-in-law up from work on December 14th because she was sick and her ride still had to work another 4 hours or so. Instead of going home, my husband brought her to our house to spend the night. I was already sick on the 17th when I took my first final exam. I felt sort of okay at Christmas. The 24th - 26th weren't too terribly bad. By the 27th, I was back in bed with this horrible whatever. I ended up seeing the doctor on the 2nd and after a round of antibiotics, I felt not terrible for 3 or 4 days last week. By Thursday I was pretty sick again. Today I am miserable.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday. I would have liked to have gone today or tomorrow, but they didn't have any openings today and I have classes all day tomorrow. I don't think I should miss my first day of classes for the semester, so Wednesday is the best I could do. Now I just hope I can get through tomorrow. I spent all afternoon sleeping today. I took a 5 hour or so 'nap' around 2:00. I woke up around 7:00 and was up for about an hour. It's now 8:10 and I am back in bed, beginning to drift off to sleep.

I just want to be healthy and stay that way for a while. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel well for a little bit. Between my mystery illness (that turned out to be severe acid reflux) and now this respiratory crap I was sick for the better part of 2012 and so far 2013 seems to be shaping up the same way.

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I have less than a week until I start my final semester at the community college. It is so unbelievable! I swear, I was just attending orientation yesterday. I really can't believe that my break is almost over either. In reality, this is the last time I will have a real break, where I have nothing demanding my time or attention for many years. Sadly, I have been sick for pretty much this entire time. I had so much that I hoped to accomplish during this time, and I really didn't get around to any of it. I just spent most of the time off laying in bed and trying to recover from this horrible respiratory thing I've had.

I picked up my books for the new semester today. Talk about unbelievable! I'm taking six classes, and the books for those classes came to a bank-breaking $1,027 and change. I think my heart stopped a bit when they told me the total. It quite literally took my breath away. The cost of books and tuition in this country is just insane. It's no wonder our students are lacking in the education department. Until someone does something to change this mess, that will only continue.

My next few days will be spent trying to get the house and all of our school stuff organized for the new semester. I have to get the kids squared away and started on their next big projects. I have to get our new system going, and figure out our new routine.I only have classes two days a week this semester, but Matt will be going five days a week. The kids have archery two or three days a week for January, and then the state meet in March. Insanity reigns during January - March around here. Hopefully our new routine leaves more room for relaxing and spending time with friends. I'm not holding my breath though. It's going to be a tough semester.

My heart is breaking for the heartbroken.

Please say a prayer tonight for the family of a woman named Emilee. I met Emilee several months ago on a message board for mommies. Emilee was expecting a little girl. She was handed devastating news that her daughter would most likely not survive the pregnancy, and that if she did, she would pass away soon after birth.

Emilee handled the diagnosis with dignity and grace. She set up a Facebook page entitled "Love for Leila Grace" and she share pictures of her during her pregnancy and updates. She did what she could to raise awareness for Anencephaly. Leila was due on Valentine's Day, but was born early, just two days after Thanksgiving. Leila lived only a short time, but I know how desperately Emilee wanted her, and I can only imagine how much love Leila felt during her time on Earth.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain that Emilee endured, knowing that her daughter would not survive. I can't imagine her pain, holding her daughter and knowing that she would be taking her last breath. I can't imagine that pain.

Sadly, that pain was too much for Emilee. I was saddened tonight to read that Emilee took her own life yesterday. Please say a prayer for her family, especially the young son she leaves behind. Their pain, that I already could not imagine, has been multiplied now with the passing of Emilee. My heart breaks for her as well. I wish no parent had to suffer the pain of losing a child.

Rest in peace, Emilee. I hope you can find peace now. I hope you are holding your precious Leila Grace tight. I really hope your pain is over now.

I hate New Year's resolutions!

Here we are, on the first day of 2013 and if my goals for the coming year and beyond were resolutions for the New Year, I would already feel like a failure!  No, I haven't royally screwed up on anything yet. Not really.

See, one of my goals is to get more exercise and get healthier. Except I've spent nearly the last week in bed. I am pretty certain that I have pneumonia. I get all worked up and excited about a project I think I can handle... something like showering, or cooking a small meal. I crawl out of bed and 15 minutes into my 'project' I am coughing up a kidney and too weak to stand, so I end up back in bed with someone else cleaning up my mess.

This was not the way I envisioned my time off!

Too often, we get hung up on small details though. It's the first day of the new year and I can't even start working towards my goal! I failed!

Life is full of failures! Failures are experiences though.As long as you dust yourself off and try again, you are still in this! YOU are not a failure. We forget that. We let those events become part of us. We let them drag us down. We give up instead of shaking it off. I'm determined not to let that happen this year.

New Year's resolutions leave us feeling disappointed. They make us feel like failures because we make them much to broad and often impossible to follow through with. This is why I vow not to make any more of them! When I set goals in the future, I will set them on some random day of some boring week. That way there is no big build up. I just set a goal and get started.

I think I might be on to something here. We'll see.