Who am I?

     I have tried to write nearly every day since my last entry. I desperately wanted to voice my thoughts on the tragedy in Connecticut on December 14th. The more that I tried to put those thoughts into words, the more I realized that there were no words to describe what I was thinking. I will just say this: My thoughts and my prayers remain with everyone who has been affected by this tragedy. I cannot even begin to imagine.

     I've been doing a lot of thinking, both before and since this tragedy, about the things that are truly important in life. During my thinking, I have found myself in a position where I really have no idea who I truly am. I thought that I knew exactly who I was. I had very strong opinions and I was very willing to voice those opinions. As recently as a year and a half ago, I still knew exactly who I was, what I stood for, and what I wanted out of life. One class changed more than I ever imagined it would.

     I have to be brutally honest and say that I really was not looking forward to this class. It was required for my major, and I honestly thought the class would likely be boring. The topic had always fascinated me, but for some reason I expected this particular class to be stuffy and boring. Perhaps it was because I had heard very little about the instructor aside from knowing that he had a full-time job outside of teaching. Because of his career path, I guess I had preconceived notions about how this class would turn out. It was nothing like I expected to be. First of all, it was far from boring. It quickly became my favorite class. Instead of expecting us to sit and silently listen to a boring lecture, this instructor encouraged us to join the discussion. We were encouraged to develop our own opinions and decide why these opinions were our own. 

     It was in this class that I began to realize that many of the opinions I held were not my opinions at all, but were opinions of those around me. They were opinions that I had accepted as my own because I could not comprehend that the people in my life might have been wrong. Once I accepted that perhaps they could be wrong, I started really trying to think for myself and figure out what I believed about many of life's more important issues. I realized that deep down, I actually disagreed with many of the people I had adored throughout my life.

     This would not even been an issue except that many of the people who surround me today hold very similar beliefs to the ones I was raised with. Beliefs that I no longer agree with. This often leads to disagreements and sometimes full-on arguments with many of the people in my life. I feel like an outsider in my own world. I cannot discuss anything of any substance with the people I love because we no longer agree on anything. This should leave me upset, angry or heartbroken. Instead, it leaves me feeling very much relieved.

     I have never quite felt that I belonged. Something has always felt a bit off. I had no idea what it was or how to fix it. This has explained so much. It is as if I had always known on some level that I disagreed with the way the people around me believed. A year and a half ago I was given a choice. Red pill or blue pill. I don't even know if I realized at the time that I was doing it. I chose the red pill though. Now I just have figure out how far down the rabbit hole I can go without my life imploding around me.

Hey..... it's just a number!

My sister-in-law just turned 30 this last week. She was dreading it, prefering to just ignore the day. It was also her first birthday in Iowa though, and with the extended family she has, I knew that was very unlikely. As I listened to her dreading the day more and more as it creapt closer, I was reminded of myself as 30 crept up on me.

I really do not know why the lead up to 30 was so stressful. I know I started dreading that number as early as 14 or so. I could not wait to grow up, but I also knew I never wanted to be 30. The closer the day, the more stressed out I became. It was so bad that I was physically sick during the last two days before my .(CRAZY! I know!) Once the end of the actual day was here, I was already beginning to wonder why I had been so worked up. It wasn't long until I had fully embraced my thirties. Now I can honestly say that my thirties have been so much better than I ever expected.

FREEDOM.

That is what my thirties have meant so far. Freedom to be ME! Freedom to figure out who I really am.

During the past few years, I have allowed myself to get to know me as an individual for the first time. Up to this point, I was only embracing whatever labels society placed on me. I was Steve's daughter (or Darla's daughter), Gary's big sister (or Jaymi's big sister or Brandon and Rob's little sister). Then I became Heath's wife and Sierra's mom. Eventually Will's mom and for a while single mom, then Matt's wife joined the list of titles I carried.

There have been other titles over the years, and I allowed them to define who I was. At some point after I turned thirty, I gave myself permission to stop being defined by the titles I carried. I gave myself permission to figure out who I was. I decided that I wanted to know who I was, not what my labels were.

I have been exploring MY interests and figuring out what I want out of life. I've been amazed at the number of things I thought I wouldn't enjoy, only to find out the bring me a great amount of joy. While I dreaded turning 30, it has actually been quite enjoyable. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been in the past. I'm getting to know me, and I am enjoying the process. It hasn't all been easy. There has been heartache, but I have come to realize that it is part of life.

I've stopped holding back though. I'm embracing life, and trying my best to live it to the fullest. I can't wait to see what my future holds. I look forward to the opportunities and the challenges that life has to offer me. Overall, I really enjoy these numbers!